I was just minding my own business at Applebee’s or IHOP or whatever when it all went down. The Denver omelette I was scarfing down my pie hole, I mean 😉
Just kidding, I’m still talking about boning extra terrestrials — or “making first contact,” as I call it. Man, I am full of jokes today. You’re probably starting to question my credibility. I would be! But let me assure you. I totally fucked a little green guy in the parking lot of a TGiFriday’s.
Now I’m not some little ho who just goes with any old dude. I have standards. I watch makeup tutorials on YouTube. But there was just something so appealing about this handsome stranger who walked into that Denny’s that Tuesday afternoon, I just spit out a mouthful of scrambled egg bell pepper and onion right there on the spot. Turns out that “something” was three two-foot tall aliens standing on each other’s shoulders in a trench coat, but I was too busy shoveling that mouthful of food I’d just coughed up to notice.
The ET trench coat mafia sidled up to my booth and asked me if I’d like to “go for a ride.” Hell yeah, I did. Assuming they meant a ride to sex town, I wasted no time banging all three of them in my Buick shortly after exiting the restaurant. Turns out a cruise in their spaceship was the gameplan they had in mind. Whoops. My bad.
So we went for a little trip. A little spaceship journey. Zippity zoopity, there we were, flying through space at the speed of light. I asked the boys if they wanted to do any more “experiments” on me. They informed me that what had taken place in the Steak ‘n’ Shake parking lot had not been consensual. Yeowch. Strike two for me. I’d better be on my best behavior from now on. I casually strode over to a glass case that looked like some sort of trophy display.
“What’s this?” I asked.
“This is the Last Branch of The Earth,” the lead alien informed me.
Needless to say, I was confused. Ze explained to me that although it seemed like we had only been away for a few minutes, hundreds of thousands of human years had passed on my home planet. The entire human race was now extinct. Everyone I had known and loved had long since perished and all that remained of their bodies was dust particles and various other ashes. This branch was all that was left of the place I once called home, preserved in its crystal enclosure to remind the aliens of that trip they took that one time.
Awkward! So do you even do in a situation like that? I asked if it was possible to just bring me back to Taco Bell and we could just call it even. Sorry, the fellas said. Traveling backward through time is only possible in theory. They much preferred to travel forward through time, incrementally, at a rate of one minute per minute. One alien minute per alien minute, that is. One alien minute = one hundred million earth years.
“Gee, I wish I had known that before I sucked all yous guys off!” I exclaimed.
We all had a good laugh at that one. I don’t know what happened next because they killed me.