I found $1,000 under a sturdy oak tree in the park last night.
Little did I know that this amount of money was owned by a very horny penguin.
First off, let me just say that I love money.
I was just walking around trying to clear my head.
Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that this would be such a lucrative stroll.
But when I saw that fat stack of cash, I got horny too – for the dollars and cents.
I picked up the moola and put it in my pocket.
No sooner had I turned to leave than I felt a smooth wing on my shoulder.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
Oh my god.
It was a penguin – and he meant business.
“I’ll tell you what,” I said to him.
“If you let me keep half of this dough, I’ll teach you how to put hair gel in those cute little feathers of yours.”
The penguin was intrigued.
We went back to his place arm and arm.
I gently slathered his beak and tummy with sticky, viscous gel.
He cooed sanguinely and slipped me a $50.
Keep going, his eyes told me.
So I did.
I gooed him up and down all throughout the night.
At 7am, he handed me the last $50 bill.
“You did a tight job,” he told me.
“Thanks,” I said.
“I want you to know the truth – I left that money under the tree on purpose because I was hoping you would gel me down,” he said.
“I know,” I said.
“Ok, just so long as you’re aware.”
“Don’t worry, this was a mutually consensual arrangement,” I assured him.
“Great,” he said, flashing a smile that revealed a mouth full of pearly white teeth, which I did not expect.
I will never forget that evening or my penguin friend.
If anyone knows how to get in contact with me, please send me an email.