Author: Admin

Cincinnati Zookeepers Find Harambe’s Tomb Empty

This article originally appeared on STAFF at the Cincinnati Zoo & Botanical Gardens have issued a statement in which they confirm that the tomb holding the remains of the slain gorilla Harambe has been found empty, with huge speculation as to whether or not he has risen from the dead. Beloved gorilla Harambe has amassed a huge cult following since his execution in May by zoo officials who feared for the life of a young boy who had toppled into the gorilla enclosure. Thousands of Harambe worshippers have taken to the internet to declare that the western lowland Messiah has...

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Malia Obama Smokes WEED? Obama Concerned

We all know Malia loves to toke that loud (allegedly).  Only problem is, her dad (Barack Obama, the President of these United States) has a few things to say about it. Number one being that marijuana is illegal. Guess Malia didn’t get the memo. Tisk tisk, Malia. Next time wear a wig. Obama isn’t likely to back down on his anti-pot position any time soon. From the looks of things, he is hopping mad. However, Malia has long hair and does not care. She continues to smoke marijuana. Can she live??? This angers her father, the man in charge...

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Things you can self-medicate with

Provolone Salami Breeze Calmly gazing at a wall Inhaling Exhaling Cats Dogs Drugs Pogs Junk food Health food Yoga Yogurt Additional ways to self-medicate (NOT for beginners): Winking Walking Believing in the restorative powers of natural sleep patterns Actually sleeping Rubbing your face on some grass Getting mad at forces beyond your control Deciding that’s pointless and not doing it anymore Jet skiing Hanging ten Hanging loose Being rough Being ready Being really petty and sweaty Not sweating the small stuff Telling little kids that raisins are rat poop and eating some in front of them Going back to...

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